To the little girl that broke my adult heart.
Today was a pleasant day.
We spend it drawing, laughing and dancing.
We went shopping for new clothes since your
Every so growing body outgrew the ones you own.
You said to me you want to be a painter.
It seems to me that painting a reality different from the one you know
is how you get through the days that are every so slow.
You tell me to play bad bunny “bebebebe.”
You laugh I laugh and the song starts to play.
You want to get these sneakers that of course everyone has.
Yet with our budget we can’t so much as try.
You’re a kid. Yet you know you can’t be.
You continuously step into your many life roles.
You are a mother to yourself and to the women who birth you.
When will people understand our children are hurting.
They absorb our pains like sponges.
We finish our shopping spree and head back home.
I heard you arguing with your grandma once we got back.
I asked you what’s wrong
It felt as if the world stopped and all of a sudden this scared little girl wanting to be held appeared like a ghost.
You looked me straight in the eyes and told me “mami does not listen to me.”
I was confused and ask you who. I wasn’t sure if you were speaking about your grandmother or the women who birth you.
I see a tear running down your face, you say her name and start to cry.
I’m holding back my own tears now. All I wanted to do in that moment that stilled moment was hold you in my arm and assure you everything will be alright.
Your poor grandma not knowing what was going on, tells you to stop crying.
Be quiet.
Big girls don’t cry.
And just like that
Like a sponge
you absorbed this emotion,
you absorbed your tears like a water spill.
Those very same tears that ran down your face like a leaking faucet, those tears your tears, they burned a permanent hole in my heart.
You cleaned up your water spill
Yet you forgot
to clean up mine.
You forgot to absorb back the little girl
That has been piggybacking
scared and lost
all these years on my own back.
Your face suddenly went back to normal. Stern, cold, with indifference in your eyes.
It’s like an out of body experience where I saw you internalize.
You are a child yet
you are
a caretaker,
a mother,
a father,
a sister,
and a friend,
and still with all these roles and titles
you are still considered
A monster.
You bring out the truth that everyone so desperately want to hide
to them you are the villain.
In this moment you broke my heart.
I remember driving home and the tears burning my eyes.
My love
that day
That day
I cried and cried and cried.
I cried for this little girl who no longer could be little.
I cried because of how unfair
This. World. Is.
I cried because little girls aren’t allow to be little.
I cried for you, I cried for the adult I so desperately want the world to see me as
yet it is all a facade,
a mask
Used to cover up
That scared little girl inside.
You are not a monster, my love.
You are a healer
because in you I saw myself.
And just like you
I am a little girl crying out for help.
carmen yanela 